Where'd I Come From?
by Dracorum1
Summary: A six year old Draco asks the question that every parent dreads answering.How will Lucius answer? (Taken from an old tv show)Full disclaimer inside.


A/N: Well, I have to say that pretty much this entire bit of writing is taken from the Dick Van Dyke show. I was watching this episode and thought that it would be really funny with the Malfoys in it in place of the Petries. Of course this means that the characters will be a bit out of character, okay, a lot, and it will be a bit AU. Actually, I'm thinking that I am going to have to make them just regular muggles, no wizards exist, because there will be a situation involving cars and I don't think a man like Lucius would drive cars around. There are other reasons why they can't really be wizards.

Anyways, the dialogue and plot were written by the ingenious Carl Reiner and I just copied it and put in the description.

I hope you enjoy it. This is just something I'm doing until I receive inspiration for my original stories.

Chapter One: Curious Draco

"Who's this, Daddy?" a small, blond six year old asked as he sat on the floor flipping through a photograph book which was set upon a small coffee table in the family's sitting room. The boy's father looked at the picture that his son was pointing to and smiled as he answered.

"That's you Draco, when you were two weeks old."

"I was bald."

"Yeah, you sure were." Lucius answered with a chuckle as he returned to reading his paper.

"Daddy?"

"Hmm?"

"Where'd I come from?"

Both Lucius and his wife Narcissa, who was seated on the couch beside her husband, knitting, looked at their son with expressions of surprise upon their faces.

"What did you say, Draco?" Lucius asked, fearing the answer.

"I said where'd I come from?" Draco replied as he looked up curiously at his father.

"Well...uh...that's what I thought you said." Lucius began to shift uncomfortably where he was seated. His son had just asked one of the most dreaded questions a parent ever has to answer. He looked over to his wife and tried to stall for time. "Um, honey, did you hear what Draco just asked?" Lucius laughed nervously.

"Yes, I heard, darling." Narcissa was decidedly calmer than her husband was at that moment. She smiled and returned to her knitting. After all, Draco had asked his father the question, not her.

"Where did I come from, Daddy?" Draco persisted.

"Well, Draco, that's uh, kind of complicated; I don't think we have time to go into it right now."

"When will we have the time?"

"Well, I don't know. Honey, when do you think we might have the time?" Lucius looked pleadingly at Narcissa. He hoped that she would have a way for him to get out of this very uncomfortable situation that he had so suddenly found himself in.

"Well, darling, I think we have the time; after all, Draco doesn't have to go to bed for another half an hour or so." Narcissa smiled adorably at Lucius who in turn glared evily at her.

"Um, Draco, you're not too sleepy now are you?" Lucius knew what the answer was going to be.

"No, I want to hear where I came from."

"Well, um, let's see, first off...um, uh... Where's Dr. Spock?" (For all of you who don't know, Dr. Spock, I think, was a psychiatrist from quite a few years ago who wrote a book on parenting.) Lucius turned behind him where several books were kept handy for such emergencies as this. "Draco, where do you think you came from?" Lucius had now pulled out the book he was looking for and began to leaf through its pages in search of the chapter on how to explain to young children the birds and the bees.

"Same place Blaise Zabini did; Ireland."

"Ireland? He's not ready for this." Lucius placed the book back and turned back around.

"Draco, you didn't come from Ireland you came from London; don't you remember that?

"Oh, yeah I forgot. But I remember the back of the laundry truck!"

Both parents once again looked in surprise at their son.

"The laundry truck?!" Narcissa exclaimed, "How did you know about that?"

"Daddy told me."

"How do you like that?" Lucius was impressed, "I must have told him that when he was four years old. I didn't think you'd remember that."

"You said the laundry man brought me."

"Is that what modern daddies tell their children about the facts of life?" Narcissa asked as she quirked an eyebrow at her husband.

"No, I think you've got the story a little mixed up, Draco."

"Tell me the story, Daddy! About the laundry truck." Draco sprang up from his place on the floor and climbed onto the couch and then onto his father's lap.

"Well, actually the laundry truck doesn't come into the story until the day you were born."

"Yeah, that's the story I want to hear; about the day I was born."

"Well, that was a pretty exciting twenty-four hours."

"Were you there, Mummy?" Draco asked in the curious ignorance of a six year old.

"Yes, Draco, I was there." Narcissa answered amusedly.

"Good."

"Well," Lucius began as Draco settled down to listen to the story, "Mummy and I went to bed that night; we were kind of expecting you to be born just that night, so we were lying in bed reading and wondering when you were going to be born."

FLASHBACK:

"Honey, how do you feel?" Lucius and Narcissa were lying in bed; Narcissa was propped against a couple of pillows, reading, while Lucius lay next her, peering anxiously over at her every few seconds.

"Fine." She answered casually and then returned to her book. However, this was not good enough for Lucius.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"You're not just saying that?"

"Lucius, why would I just say that?"

"I know you; you don't want me to worry."

"Honey, will you relax I'm trying to read." Narcissa admonished her husband.

"Honey, how can you read when you know you might be a mother any minute?" Lucius had now propped himself upon his elbows and looked at his wife with a very furrowed brow.

"Honey, I'm not going to be a mother any minute."

"Look, I was with you when the doctor said it could be any day now."

Narcissa had to keep herself from rolling her eyes. "He said any 'day' not any 'minute'."

"Yeah, but honey, that was three days ago. Don't you feel anything funny?"

"I do feel something."

"Funny?" Lucius asked anxiously.

"No, I feel you're going to have a nervous breakdown if you don't relax and go to sleep. Now relax!"

"I'm relaxed! I'm relaxed!" Lucius fell back onto his pillows, but still bore a very agitated look.

"Well, you don't look it. Believe me darling, the best thing you can do for me is to go to sleep. I'll call you if anything happens."

"All right, honey, I'll try to get some sleep. You'll call me if anything happens?"

"Who else would I call?"

"I had a cousin call a cab. She didn't want to disturb her husband."

"I promise I'll disturb you. Now go to sleep."

"Okay, honey." Lucius turned onto his side away from Narcissa, but then looked back over his shoulder. "Oh, honey, give me one of those if you need to." Lucius had grabbed his own shoulder and gave it a shake.

"I'll uh, do that." Narcissa once again had to keep herself from rolling her eyes.

Lucius had turned back away from her but it was exactly two seconds before he flipped himself onto his back once again and looked over at his wife.

"Honey, what are you reading?"

" 'What To Do Before the Doctor Comes'."

Lucius shot up into a sitting position with an expression of panic across his face.

"What are you reading that for?! You expect something to happen before the doctor comes?!"

"No, Lucius, I'm just reading to get sleepy." Narcissa replied in a calming tone, however, this did not sway Lucius.

"Honey, you never have any trouble getting to sleep; why can't you go to sleep?!"

"Because I'm married to the noisiest husband in all of England!"

"I'm sorry honey, I'm just..."

"I'll call a cab..." Narcissa warned.

"Alright, alright! You won't hear another word out of me unless you call me. Alright?"

Narcissa nodded and returned to her book while Lucius settled himself once again. A couple of silent minutes passed but were soon broken when Narcissa leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and gave a contented sigh.

"Oh dear."

Lucius shot up, wide-eyed, and panicked.

"What's the matter?! What?!"

"What's what?"

"You said 'oh dear'!"

"I was just sighing."

"Well, honey, at a time like this don't sigh unless you really mean it!"

"I'll try not to."

"Alright." Lucius turned back onto his side.

"Goodnight." Narcissa said.

"Goodnight." Lucius muttered.

Narcissa returned to her book but decided that it would be better for her, and Lucius, if she just extinguished the light and went to sleep. She closed her book and placed it upon the bedside table, however, in doing so, she succeeded in knocking over the small alarm clock onto the floor which caused the alarm to let out its loud and harsh peal.

"It's time!" Lucius bolted up from the bed, while doing so he managed to grab his hat which was perched on a ledge above the head board. He practically ripped his pajama shirt off which revealed that he was in fact fully clothed in what was now a very wrinkled suit.

Lucius grabbed a suitcase which sat by the bed. He then grabbed a small case off the dresser on his way to the closet where he pulled out a coat and put it on.

"Oh! Lucius! Honey!" Narcissa called as she looked helplessly on as her husband ran about the room.

"I'll call the doctor!" Lucius grabbed the phone on the same table that the alarm clock had sat.

"Honey, I'm perfectly alright; I just dropped the alarm clock!"

"Lucius stopped dialing and looked at his wife; the receiver still held to his ear.

"You didn't feel anything funny?"

"No." Lucius dropped the phone back and, with a look of disappointment, and some exhaustion, he began to go about the room, replacing everything in their proper places.

"Look at you! In your suit again! Lucius, take those clothes off and go to sleep."

"Just never mind about the suit." He then mumbled to himself, "The doctor says any day now it's any day now." He placed the small case upon the dresser and stepped back to look at it. He then shifted it closer to the edge to make it was easier for him to grab. He stepped back again to look at it and, still not satisfied, shifted the case even more. He replaced the suitcase by the bed and then climbed back into bed, clothes still on, and laid back down. He placed the hat upon its ledge. He then tested sitting up and placing it upon his head a couple of times to make sure that it was set upon the edge in just the right position. This time Narcissa did indeed roll her eyes as she turned away from her husband and closed her eyes. Lucius soon settled into the pillows and closed his eyes as well.

END OF PART ONE


End file.
